One study in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships indicated that “listeners who gave advice or joked were significantly more depressed and more rejecting of their distressed partners” compared to “listeners who acknowledged the distressed confederate’s mood.”
In light of this, take care that you’re not using advice or distractive fixes as a way to shut down communication about difficult topics. Empathetic listening poses an emotional challenge because it involves putting ourselves in the other person’s situation without becoming overwhelmed.
Example: Your spouse crying as they tell you their mother has been diagnosed with cancer. In such circumstances, it might be painful for you to listen well and stay fully emotionally engaged because you love your spouse and can’t stand to see them in tears. It’s hard for both of you, in different ways, and you may want to hurry to the helping part so both of you can feel better.
That doesn’t mean you’re not well-intentioned. However, it’s important that we allow our partners the freedom to be upset without retreating into psychological avoidance because of our own emotional response. This is what communication scientists call an “escape” reaction.
If you don’t allow your loved ones the space to express the way they feel, you risk dismissing their emotions or pressuring them to resume a happy facade for your sake. The sense of loneliness this generates can severely damage relationships.
Sometimes we fear that making room for the intensity of another person’s pain will encourage a greater outpouring than we are able to cope with. The human experience is complex, multidimensional, and ever-shifting.
While you are not your partner’s personal therapist, don’t shy away from sharing the full spectrum of life with your loved one. Look, simply hear them out and acknowledge that their anguish exists. Supplementing empathetic listening with nonverbal support can be especially helpful.
Research suggests that increasing supportive warm touch among couples leads to a multitude of physiological benefits, including blood pressure regulation and an increase in bonding hormones like oxytocin.
Ultimately, be wary of interpreting our partner’s self-expression as a sign that we need to immediately fix something so their negative feelings go away. Simply creating space and “allowing the other person to express whatever they express is vital
In contrast to burdening ourselves with the need to do something quickly, carefully listening to and acknowledging the negative feelings can prove a more effective route toward alleviating them in the long term.
Learning to listen better is relationship-enhancing all-round. Detailed, empathic listening is not just for difficult conversations. It is the key of intimacy and closeness from stresses to triumphs when applied to one’s partner’s reporting of the events of the day.
