A recent article on medium outlined how “distance” might indeed be a new love language. Here’s the article ;
The highlights are this:
Loving someone calls for a little patience and self-sufficiency on your part. It means you let them go on their trip, or give them a weekend afternoon, knowing they’ll come back grounded and ready to meet your own needs.
Solitude brings a peace of mind you can’t get any other way.
You can give them what they need.
The best way to show someone you love them is to do exactly what my friend’s husband did. Understand when they’re stressed, or socially tired. You don’t always have to plan a big vacation. You can go into a different room. You can grab a coffee, or hang out with your friends for an afternoon. You can go to bed a little early, or let them stay up late without making them feel guilty about it. Tell them when you’re doing it, and explain why. You can even come up with a schedule if that helps you communicate better. The main thing is to trust them, that they’re asking for time because they need it — not because they don’t love you enough.
When we take a break for ourselves we’ve got to let the other person know what’s going on. When our partner’s mention, “Hey, I feel like something has changed,” we’ve got to share from our heart what is going on. Here’s how that might sound.
“I love you and I know you are going through a lot right now. I’m going to make a commitment to you about reducing stress in our lives together rather than increasing stress. Even if it means giving up something (time with you) that I want. Even if it means I am going to feel sad and lonely, I can understand that your situation doesn’t really involve me. It’s okay. I’m pulling back my needs to support your need for space and time by yourself.”
When we give the reassurance and then establish a healthy boundary around the current crisis, we allow our partners to have three things they need, even if they don’t know it’s what they need.
- Time alone to process their own lives
- A partner who loves them enough to let them go (for an hour or a month)
- A commitment to de-escalate “issues” in the relationship.
Holding Our Partner’s From a Distance
What your partner needs is a loving and supportive partner with very low demands. It might be hard to give this, especially if you’re a touch-focused person like I am. But this is what is required to love a person. We’ve got to let them escape their own burning buildings. We’ve got to let them process their pain and their eventual growth, without our interference, but with our loving support.
It feels counterintuitive to give someone space who needs our support. But that’s just our own needs coming up to let us know how connected we are, and how much we want things to be different. The space will be good for us too. It’s not easy to let go of our loving partners, and give them the room to suffer and process alone. We think we might be the remedy, the balm, the love that will heal them. We are not. Healing and growth come from within each of us. Your partner has got to find their own way out of the burning building.
When they see your smiling face and open arms as they emerge from the dark place, they will be grateful for your patience, loving-kindness, and remote support. And you will be stronger and healthier as you have stood alone and agreed to love them even in their difficult times.
