Should I Marry Someone I Am Not Attracted To?
This Question brings to mind Two schools of thoughts.
Some Say Yes, You May Marry Someone You’re Not Initially Attracted to. Others Say No, it is Risky to Marry someone you’re not attracted to, this simply won’t do. You will need to be more careful considering who you are going to marry and why you are marrying them.
Let us probe further into this and find out some Pointers to which, the answer could be Both or Just one of the Above considering the Circumstances.
Let us take it from the Yes angle.
You see, men and women do this every day and miss out on solid mates as a result. For instance, she writes him off because he’s immature. He doesn’t have a great job. He’s a little chubby. He’s too introverted. He dresses weirdly.
He writes her off because “there’s no spark.” She’s not intellectually stimulating enough. She’s too career oriented. She’s too tall. She wears mom jeans (or plus-size jeans aby you know…Ha!) or that She’s too clingy. The truth is, so much of the stuff men and women reflexively use as the yardstick for attractiveness has so little to do with the real nuts and bolts of a good marriage.
Things like your ability to grow together in God, whether you two will make good friends, the ability to do thankless work without resentment and the willingness to learn from other people. Etc You see, if there is something that is bothering you, even if it is your intuition alone, you should take some time and contemplate what you are about to do.
Marriage is not a game. It is a serious commitment with potential serious consequences. And while there will always be some risk involved in such a complex commitment, many take it for granted. Now, these priceless qualities aren’t the kind of stuff you figure out by assessing someone from far away and making a decision based on presumption.
It’s something you figure out by approaching someone respectfully, investing a little time in him or her, and running the risk that you might be wasting your time – or that you’re about to hit the jackpot for a lifetime. Take a second look next time, maybe even a third. You never know what you might otherwise be missing. Consequently, upon this Premise, is what the “YES” answer stands.
However, the “No” answer stands also on various experiences just as well as the Experience of the “YES”.
Now, since marriage is not a game, the serious commitment with potential serious consequences cannot be underrated. And while there will always be some risk involved in such a complex commitment, many take it for granted.
Like the wife who complained to me that her husband starred at other women when they first met. She thought after marriage he would focus on her alone. Well she was wrong…and things got worse. More often than not, when a problem exists before marriage it usually gets worse, hence, I cannot underestimate the value of laying a good relational foundation.
Without such a base to launch from, too often the relationship turns out to be a veritable “house of cards,” easily blown over when a strong enough crisis occurs.
This bids for the leveling questions that should be answered by you as an individual
The Questions below have really spark up various answers in various marriages always:
“Are you physically attracted to your spouse?”
“Were you ever physically attracted to your spouse?”
“How’s your sex life?”
“How was your sex life in the beginning of your courtship?”
“Why did you marry your spouse? .
Here’s some of the responses some genuinely give as well:
“I never found him very physically attractive.”
“He was ‘good-enough’ looking. But I usually like taller guys with more hair.”
“She was okay for a brunette, but I always liked blondes better.”
“I didn’t really find him attractive, but I thought I could be with him over time.”
“He really seemed to love me, and I fall easily for guys who pursue me.”
“I didn’t date much, and she was the first girl who showed interest in me.”
“I used to be attracted to her, but she stopped taking care of herself.”
“I was attracted to him, but his drinking eventually turned me off.”
“I was attracted to him, but since cheating on me I get nauseous when he’s near.”
“Our sex life is nonexistent.”
“Our sex life is sporadic at best.”
“Our sex life was inconsistent in the beginning.”
“I never thought a good sex life was that important.”
“I knew he’d be a good provider, and I thought that was enough.”
“I never liked the way she kissed.”
“He never initiated sex. I always wondered whether he was really attracted to me.”
“She never initiated sex. And I prefer more sexually aggressive women.”
“I married him because my parents liked him.”
“I married him because my biological clock was ticking.”
“I married him because I thought he’d make a good father.”
“I married him because religion was just as important to him as it was to me.”
“I got married because I really liked his family.”
“I married her because I just can’t say no.”
“I married her because we went out for a long time and I just couldn’t break her heart.”
“I married him because I thought the reasons why I didn’t find him attractive were shallow and not enough to take seriously (e.g., crooked teeth, smoker, dressed weird).”
Most of the responses make saving a relationship is rather daunting to say the least.
The interesting thing is that most of these people were conscious of the fact that something was amiss before they even tied the knot, and yet they carried on. This simply won’t do. You will need to more carefully consider who you are going to marry and why you are marrying them. It must be understood
Now what do l believe is the Answer between the Yes and No?
It always almost sounds like the person we think unattractive to us often has all the qualities we’re looking for, but we are not sure about our level of attraction and feelings of love towards them. Ask yourself this: If you were to fast forward a few years, would you have the same hesitations about this person? What is most important to you about a potential husband or wife and does this man or woman have these characteristics?
Sometimes, in our attempt to seek something better, we overlook the blessings we have. Most often, you will allude to that, that you consider him to be a “perfectly great guy or lady” otherwise. Attraction is important, but often times, it’s the personality and the companionship that builds the attraction over time.
If you align in all the important ways, and you feel that you both have a connection, and she or he is respectful and supportive, then those feelings of attraction and love will develop as you spend more time with her and as you take your relationship to another level.
Consider giving him/her a chance – it’s not wasted time. Relationship building takes time and a certain leap of faith. If this is your first real and authentic experience, then ask yourself if you’re subconsciously drawing upon your experience talking to attractive men or women with no “substance” and pushing your Significant other away because of that.
Of course, it’s important not to settle in marriage just because you’re getting older. But if this person has all the characteristics you’re looking for, and your feelings are still developing towards him, then it might be wise to give him a chance and pray that God opens your heart.
By Emmanuel Osei Akoto