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10 Psychological Reasons Your Relationships Don’t Last.



10 Psychological Reasons Your Relationships Don’t Last. 49




1. You’re afraid to ask for what you really want

Being a therapist means I hear all the requests people wish they could make in their relationships but are too afraid to:

  • It’d be nice if we went on more dates — like we used to when we were dating.
  • I want to spend more time with my friends, but he gets so insecure anytime I do things without him.

2. You’re afraid to say ‘no’ to what you don’t want

This one’s the flip side of the previous point: If you can’t say no to what you don’t want, you’ll end up just as unhappy and resentful as if you don’t ask for what you do want:

  • Can you say no when they want to have sex but you don’t?
  • Can you say no when they want to take that new job that requires working an extra 30 hours per week?

3. You’re not willing to enforce your boundaries

It’s one thing to set healthy boundaries. The hard part is enforcing them:

  • You can say you’d like Thai food instead of Italian, but what good is it if you give in and “just go with it” every time because they make such a fuss?

4. You depend on your partner to feel better

Classic love story:

  • Initially, things feel great: Insecure Partner A brings every worry and concern to confident Partner B who makes everything feel better with definitive reassurances of every kind.
  • But quickly, things fall apart: Insecure Partner A realizes that confident reassurances don’t actually address the core insecurity. All the while, overly-confident Partner B starts to resent Partner A as “too needy” and “fragile.”
  • Gulfs form, resentments fester, trust disappears, and eventually the relationship dies — sometimes with a bang, often with a long drawn-out whimper.

5. You overrate the importance of complementarity

Opposites attract. And then they explode.

  • Your confident partner makes you feel a little less insecure.
  • Your organized partner helps you avoid big-time errors running your business.
  • They’re always telling me how I should feel and how silly it is to worry.
  • She’s so rigid and controlling… It makes me feel like a kid in school.

6. You don’t have good models for healthy relationships

We all like to think of ourselves as mature and intelligent decision-makers who make important life choices rationally and objectively, based on good reasoning and solid evidence.

7. You have low standards for emotional maturity

I’ve probably heard this story a hundred times:

  • She may be incredibly well-educated and intellectually mature, but does that mean she’s emotionally mature enough to handle stress well and be resilient in the face of failure?

8. You gossip about your relationship

Relationships are built on trust.

  • Your partner says something insensitive that really hurts, so you instinctively call up your mom to complain.
  • You’re having trouble conceiving, so you “process” your worries and insecurities with your best friend.

9. You have unrealistic expectations of your partner

Most people get into long-term relationships too quickly or without good judgment. As a result, they often find themselves stuck with partners who simply aren’t a good fit.

10. You don’t know what your values are

I’ll keep this final section short and sweet: