How To Initiate A Conversation About S3xual Desires, According To Relationship Expert

When was the last time you had an open, honest conversation about your sexual wants and needs? If it’s been a while, I don’t blame you: Expressing what you want without coming off as critical isn’t exactly easy, and knowing when to have these conversations isn’t easy either.

Men and women receive conflicting messages. Women are constantly told that they need to be more bold and assertive about their turn-ons, but that’s a lot more easily said than done. Women will often tell me they like to linger in the pleasures of foreplay and actually enjoy it more than the act of sex itself. They often want their partner to slow down, and many women say they’d like to communicate to their partner how to slow down, but they don’t know how to do it without sounding critical.

And interestingly, neither men nor women are exactly in tune with what turns them on. For most men, the main turn-on isn’t the act of sex itself; it’s the woman enjoying it. For women, they feel most attractive when they are the turn-on for the man. Women are traditionally caretakers who put others first, so nothing makes them feel sexier than stepping out of that role and being desired by their partner.

Because women are natural caretakers, it’s easy for them to set their own pleasure aside in favor of meeting their partner’s needs.

Women worry they take too long to climax, and that’s where the care-taking instinct kicks in. Once her partner reaches orgasm, women typically give up on their own pleasure. This is the sad piece, because women are having more sex than ever, and yet they’re faking their orgasms too often.

While communicating your needs may feel more natural while the act of sex is happening, it’s actually best to have this discussion outside the bedroom, while also letting your partner know how much you appreciate him or her. Couples who thrive sexually have the ability to speak about this stuff openly, so try to make that a habit.

And while you’re in the bedroom, there’s a lot to be said for nonverbal communication. Don’t be afraid to guide your partner in one direction or another—that’s a way to show them what you like without harsh wording that can feel like an insult in the moment. Before you know it, your sex life will be better than ever. So give it a try.

This advice comes directly from Esther Perel’s