H: Heal yourself to heal the relationship
Depending on the level of the pain inflicted and the sort of trust that was broken will determine how much healing you need.
If for example, you found out that your spouse has cheated on you with your best friend, you are going to need some serious healing.
This won’t happen overnight. It involves time, patience with yourself, and professional help when needed.
A counselor is definitely recommended in situations of infidelity. Not only for couple’s counseling, but also for individual therapy for each party. The person who has been victimized has a lot to overcome emotionally.
Here are some ways that you can help yourself in the healing process:
Find a support group for the particular experience you are going through.
Though there may not be support groups for all kinds of trust violations, there are for the major violations such as infidelity.
Seek individual counseling from a professional.
As mentioned before, seeking professional help is good for both you and your partner.
Journal about your experience.
Journal about your current feelings, and where you want yourself and the relationship to be in the future.
Avoid bashing the person who broke your trust.
Do not go behind their back and begin bashing them or talking bad about them because this will prevent you from having a heart and mind of forgiveness.
It’s okay to talk about what happened to a confidant in order to process your feelings.
It’s not okay to talk to someone about it for the purposes of bashing the other party or gossiping.
Get all your questions answered.
Make sure you ask all the questions you want answered from the person who violated your trust.
If you are working together to make the relationship work, they should be willing to answer your questions. Having unanswered questions can prevent you from healing.
For example, if it was a situation of infidelity, you may be wondering where and how it began. You want to know these specifics so that you aren’t wondering if it was at the gym and should you be concerned every time they leave the house to go to do a workout.
Having those types of questions answered gives you peace of mind, especially if you can equip the relationship with transparency expectations moving forward.
For example, you find out that the affair did begin at the gym. Then a solution would be to change gyms and you workout together.
It can be a new way to spend more time together and it will also solve your problem of fearing they will meet someone else every time they go to the gym.
The goal in this final “H: Heal” stage of the COME FORTH formula is to help you, the victim, see that the relationship cannot be healed unless you are healed.
If you have underlying anger, resentments, and hostility still bottled up, then your relationship with the other person will not likely heal either.
You must pursue ways to healing yourself emotionally and mentally, that way your relationship can also move on to a deeper and healthy state.
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