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How to Regain Broken Trust in a Relationship

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How to Regain Broken Trust in a Relationship 49
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For the Victim: FORTH

F: Forgive

Forgiveness is the first step in healing the relationship on the end of the victim. Holding onto the hate, anger, and negative feelings will only make you feel worse.

Let those feelings go by allowing yourself to forgive.

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences, which you will come to terms with while engaging in meaningful conversation with the other person.

For example, if it is a situation where infidelity has occurred, then the transparency with phone and email records and such moving forward would be a consequence of the violation of your trust.

Forgiveness means that you are willing to work through the wrong doings that occurred that broke the trust. You are willing to care for this person enough that you want to work with them emotionally to process through the pain to restore the relationship.

If you aren’t willing to forgive, then the relationship is forever changed and likely will never be on the level it once was. In most instances when there is lack of forgiveness, it is like a wall going up between the parties.

A true, healthy relationship can not occur because the wall remains in tact. Forgiving means you are willing to take down the wall and work through things to make the relationship healthy and possibly even better than it was before.

It is possible for it to be better because you have taken the step to forgive. This shows how much you care for the other person. This takes the relationship to a new depth.

The bigger to offence, the harder it will be to forgive, but it also makes the relationship that much deeper when forgiveness does occur.

If they haven’t admitted their wrong doing, give them a few days after you discuss the matter initially

There are many times that the person who broke the trust is found out before they admit what they did wrong. They should still get the chance to come clean and make things right. This means that there must be a willingness to forgive before they even admit their wrong doing.

However, the process still hinges on their willingness to admit their wrongs when it is brought to light. Sometimes they do not admit immediately, but give them a few days to make things right by admitting their wrong doing after you discuss the matter initially.

If someone has broken your trust and you have found out before they have admitted their wrong doing, then you need to go to them to discuss the matter.

How you present the topic is of great importance. If you approach them with self righteous anger, then the outcome of that conversation is not likely to produce good footing toward them admitting their wrongs, nor will it help to bring a start to the healing process.

When you decide to talk to the person about the issue, do it one on one. Do not involve a large group of people. It is best to talk to the individual with only them and do so in a manner that lets them know you want them to accept their wrong doing, admit to it (come clean), so that your relationship can be restored.

Approach the person with empathy.

You never know what kind of other issues they are dealing with in their heart, mind, and soul. Give them the courtesy of kind words and a calm tone of voice, for the sake of your relationship.

If you value the relationship, then you will place value on this conversation because it is one that could destroy it altogether, or it can work to heal the trust broken and make the relationship stronger.

If the person is not willing to admit their wrong doing, you should give them some time (days to a few weeks depending on the situation and severity of the offence).

Let them know this as you conclude your conversation. You can say “I can see you are not willing to admit to breaking the trust at this time, but I am willing to give you a few days to think things over and get back to me on this because I value our relationship and want to help us restore the broken trust together.”

Giving them grace and mercy is the right thing to do if you value this person and the relationship.

If after your chosen time period of allowing them to digest your conversation, they are still not willing to admit their wrong doing, you can take it to the next level.

This would be seeking someone of higher authority for counsel. This could, for example, be a marriage counselor in the case of infidelity.

If it is an offence between a co-worker, you can ask for a supervisor or boss to mediate the situation to get some resolution. If it is a friendship situation, you can seek counsel from an elder at the church, who may be willing to mediate a discussion.

The goal is to help the person see that you care and that them coming clean about their offence that violated the trust in the relationship is essential for the relationship to continue.

If the person is unwilling to come clean after these steps have been taken, then you may need to simply move forward.

There have been many marriages that have continued on for years in spite of such trust violations as infidelity, without the cheater admitting their wrong doings.

The relationship is never the same though. There will always be a lack of true intimacy because of this violation of trust. Sometimes the failure for the offending party to not admit their wrong doing can be even more harmful that the actual violation that broke the trust.

You can have forgiveness in your heart for the person and their wrong doing even if there is no apology. This allows you to move forward without harboring any resentment and pain.

It unburdens you to forgive them, whether they chose to apologize and admit their wrongdoings, or not.

There are consequences to them not admitting their wrong. Usually is it is broken relationship or one that is very damaged, it all depends on the depth of the wrong doing or level of deception.

However, you are doing yourself a favor when you forgive. You are unburdening any feelings of ill will or hurt that have come from that person violating your trust.

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