Time and time again, I’ve observed that people learn some of their most important lessons about love the hard way. Not only that, but some people say they learnt these things too late.
But that’s the beauty of wisdom: it can be passed down. Through trial and error, you have the potential to obtain information now rather than later.
Because life is full of twists, turns, and unknowns, but with these twenty love lessons, you can feel a little more confident about where you’re going:
Problems will not be solved by pointing them out.
Bringing just troubles into your relationship can simply lead to additional problems. Nobody wants to be told what they’re doing wrong without being given advice on how to solve it. If you’re going to bring up a problem, be sure you’ve thought of a solution first.
Date what someone offers you, not what they have the potential to be.
I’ve spoken with a lot of people who believe they can transform the person they’re dating. They’d say things like, “If they only had more ambition, they’d be so successful.” Years would pass, yet nothing would have changed.
This manner of thinking is forming a bond with something that doesn’t exist. You’ll have lofty goals that the other person didn’t commit to. Even though you caused the animosity, you’ll end up resenting them.
You cannot be made joyful by someone else.
A relationship will not make you happy if you are unhappy with your life while single. Happiness is a personal journey that only you can undertake.
It’s not your partner’s responsibility to make you happy, and it’s also not their fault if you’re unhappy (unless they mistreat you, obviously). It is your obligation as an individual in a relationship to do whatever it takes to make you happy.
In the relationship, keep dating yourself.
I still make time for myself on a regular basis. If I don’t do the things that make me happy, I don’t feel like myself. Even though we live together, I schedule alone time with my girlfriend. This helps me maintain my sanity.
When you stop dating yourself and devote all of your love to your partner, you cease to be the person with whom your partner fell in love.
It is entirely up to you to request what you desire in a relationship.
It is your job to meet your own requirements. You can’t expect your partner to be able to read your thoughts. No one can possibly predict all of your demands, no matter how long you’ve been together. When you have anything on your mind, you must speak up.
While your partner should accept what you request and be reasonable in meeting you in the middle, they won’t be able to do so if they are unaware of the problem. Staying silent will only make things worse.
It is impossible to make someone love you.
People have no control over the people they love. No matter how hard you try to persuade someone to love you, pushing them to feel the way you do will not make them change their minds.
Allow someone to depart if they wish to be with someone else or if they have fallen out of love with you. Yes, it will hurt, and moving on will take time, but it is preferable to being in a relationship with someone you have to persuade to love you.
A partnership built on superficial traits will not last.
This advice may make you roll your eyes, but it’s true: looks, ambition, and fortune may initially entice you, but they won’t make you happy in the long run.
Respect, adoration, communication ability, and a willingness to learn are all qualities in a person that signal you can ride the life’s rollercoaster with them.
Either you grow closer or you grow apart.
You’re not the same person you were ten years ago, and you’ll be a completely different person in ten years. You’ll start to grow apart in life if you’re with someone who isn’t interested in growing as a person.
Instead, look for someone who is open-minded and doesn’t want to be stuck in a rut.
Love is a decision, not an emotion.
People stay in partnerships for decades despite their feelings changing. That’s because love is a decision, not a sensation.
Even when all the pretty parts of a relationship go away, you choose to keep loving. You’ll be gravely mistaken if you believe you’ll always be riding the highs of a romance. When you stop making that decision, love begins to come apart.
It takes more than love to make a relationship work.
Two individuals can be in love and still be the incorrect match for each other. You’re bound to be in a relationship that won’t last if you don’t treat one other well or don’t have mutual trust and respect.
A relationship is similar to a recipe: if you don’t have all of the components, your cake will not rise. You may have been taught that love is all you need to make a relationship work; that love is all you need to make a relationship work. However, we occasionally fall in love with the wrong individuals.
Love will not be as it appears in the movies.
I thought love was supposed to look as it did in 90s RomComs, but now, I recognize that kind of love was toxic.
Tears, being rude to each other, and hurting someone you love’s heart may make for a good movie, but they aren’t conducive to a healthy relationship. Don’t be sucked into well-written storylines.
Make no comparisons to other people’s relationships.
Place your phone on the table. Remove yourself from social media. Stop believing you’d be happier if you had your sister’s relationship.
Everyone is unique. Instead of comparing what you don’t have to what others have, concentrate on your own relationship.
You don’t have to agree on everything; you just have to respect one another.
It’s fine to hold opposing viewpoints; in fact, having opposing viewpoints will keep your relationship fresh. When my girlfriend and I have conversations about life and all the numerous topics that arise from living it, I admire it.
Disrespecting your partner simply because they disagree with you will erode your connection. Neither of you should try to influence the other’s thoughts or feelings.
Every day, you make a contribution to the relationship.
A partnership isn’t just one thing; it’s a slew of them. It doesn’t end when you make the decision to be exclusive or say the words “I do.” It’s like having a tiny child; you have to look after them on a daily basis.
You’ll look at your lover one day and wonder who they are if you don’t give them some TLC. If you’re not cautious, distance may creep up on you, and it’s not simple to get rid of once it’s there.
You cannot presume that someone understands how much you value them.
Take your spouse seriously and don’t take him or her for granted. Even if you’ve been together for twenty years, express your gratitude to your mate on a daily basis.
You can even make a comment on their actions. “I like how you remind me to water the plants,” or “I like how you get a cup of water for me when you get one for yourself,” can go a long way.
You have to choose happiness over being correct on occasion.
My father once informed me that he chooses his confrontations with my mother carefully. He can’t just think about himself; he has to think about what’s best for both him and my mother.
You’ll be miserable if you try to be correct at the expense of your partner’s happiness. It will have an immediate or long-term impact on your connection. You’re both on the same team, and when one of you loses, the other loses as well.
It’s preferable to be alone than to settle for someone who keeps your bed warm.
If you get into a relationship just to be in one, it’s not fair to either of you. You’re persuading yourself that you don’t deserve anything better. You’ve blocked the way for either of them to meet someone else.
And just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t imply you’ll forget about your loneliness. You’ll be going to bed with a friend (if that) every night if you don’t have a true connection.
You don’t strive to change someone if you love them.
Rather, you seek to comprehend them. You should both feel at ease in your relationship, not that you’re not good enough.
You’re probably dating the wrong person if their personality makes you uncomfortable or unpleasant to the point that you desire to change who they are. You can only alter yourself; you can’t change others.
Every relationship, no matter how short, has significance.
You may believe you have squandered two years of your life on someone who has abandoned you, but this is not the case. I’m sure you have fond recollections and, at the very least, valuable lessons acquired.
On the same note, don’t let the fear of “failure” keep you in an unhealthy relationship. Some people are only supposed to be in your life for a short time.
You cannot expect your partner to fulfill all of your requirements.
Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, discussed how we want our spouses to provide us with what a community once provided. We desire a co-parent, intellectual stimulation, and a hobby partner, as well as security, a best friend, and a lover.
Rather, surround yourself with people who can meet your specific demands. If you enjoy hiking and have others who do as well, it may not matter if your spouse fulfills that requirement.
You might look to others who have already learnt the lesson rather than speculating how love works. It’s like a life-sized love-hack.
With this knowledge, you’ll be able to make better decisions in your love life and possibly avoid some misery.