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Signs of a Healthy And Unhealthy Courtship

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Courtship is the period of paying more attention to an intimate partner with the view to identifying and working out weaknesses and strength, and developing more intimacy.

Courtship is the foundation of the Marriage and as such, particular attention and time should be devoted in making it better before the marriage ceremony is performed.

There are certain indicators of a Healthy and Unhealthy Courtship. If your courtship is unhealthy and you proceed to marriage, you will endure your marriage rather than enjoying. Check these signs with your courtship to help you in your quest for marriage:

1. Honesty (Transparency):
If you are in a relationship where your partner tells you what you need to know or is transparent about everything that goes on in his or her life, it is a sign that your courtship is healthy. He or she doesn’t hide anything about his or her life to you, sometimes, telling something truthful about his or her life to you might hurt him or her but he or she will still tell you for the sake of transparency and openness in the relationship. When it happens like that, you don’t need to take advantage and make him or her feel bad for disclosing it to you; encourage honesty and transparency.

2. Commitment:
Your courtship is healthy and on track when the conversation from your partner is channeled to how to make the relationship better and the plans to establish a good foundation for the marriage. He or she doesn’t only concentrate or talk about the good part of your body; that is your physical appearance but is more concerned about the future of the relationship.
Complementing the physical appearance isn’t wrong but making it exceed the purpose and intent of the relationship is what we are saying it’s wrong. Much of the conversation should be channeled to building the relationship.

3. Mutual Respect:
In a relationship where respect is given and received by both partners, it is a signal that the courtship is on track and is healthy. Respect shouldn’t come from one side to the other where the other partner fails to reciprocate. Respect means paying attention, given recognition, knowing when to approach, when to complain, and when to allow privacy. Respect doesn’t only mean saluting, obeying or otherwise. When you give respect, it should be returned; that’s is mutual respect.

4. Trust:
Trust refers to having confidence or believe in someone and his or her actions. In a relationship where both partners believe in themselves, that both of them are faithful to each other and accord themselves with the necessary trust levels, the courtship is termed healthy. Trust here also means that both or either partner can hear something bad about the other, but will stand behind him or her and later find out the truth from the partner before an action is taken.

5. Mutual Affection:
Affection is having a feeling or sense of care, love and responsibility towards a partner. Affection is not only about intimate feeling but also care and responsibility. When your courtship is healthy, you will realize that your partner often feels the same way that you feel for him or her. When you feel sad your partner also feels sad, when you are not well, he or she will also sense it and become worried. Whatever concerns you also concerns your partner in a healthy courtship.

SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY COURTSHIP
Signs of unhealthy courtship actually means persistent discovery and maintenance of negative characters and actions. This means that these negativities could surface during the courtship due to incompatible values but inability of the culprit to change is what makes it unhealthy. Unhealthy courtship is first recommended to a counsellor for help and cancelled if unable to resolve. These signs are:

1. Dishonesty (lies):
Dishonesty is the act of being untruthful in a relationship. When you are in a relationship and your partner tells you opposite of what he or she actually means, it is a sign that your courtship is filled with lies and thus becomes unhealthy to materialize in marriage. When your partner always tell you lies in an attempt to make you happy, it is a signal that when you marry it is going to continue in the marriage. Courtship is the foundation of the marriage and therefore whatever that you build in courtship is what you grow in marriage. Marriage built on lies do not last.

2. Selfishness:
A relationship where one partner alone thinks about the other always, is a selfish relationship. A relationship is a hand-in-hand affair (mutual) and therefore we must care for each other. The care should be mutual, it shouldn’t be demonstrated by only the one who carries the greater love or the one who proposes. If it is phone call or visitation, each partner must be involved in it, not only one partner doing it all the time. If it is only one partner who is doing the calling, visitation and care, it means the Courtship is unhealthy and that is what is going to continue in the marriage.

3. Disrespect:
As you know already, Respect is earned not commanded. In a relationship where only one partner pays attention, admire and give recognition to the other partner; an unhealthy courtship is established. Respect is supposed to be mutual and not one-sided, because no one is a boss in a relationship whereas the other is a servant. Relationship is a partnership affair and both partners are equal in the adventure.

4. Abusive/Violent:
When you are in a relationship where the other partner always threatens you with a breakup or hurt you in the heat of an argument or uses harsh words or hit you with an object that partner is abusive or violent and it is very dangerous to establish a lifetime commitment with such a person. If your partner lacks self-control during an argument or misunderstanding and he or she always try to hit you, insult you or humiliate you, your courtship is unhealthy.

5. Jealousy:
Jealousy is the act of being over possessive of someone in a relationship. When you are in a relationship and your partner is controlling every movement and actions of you or complaints or nags about anything that you do, the person is practicing jealousy. When your partner hate to see you with the opposite sex or hate to hear you talking to the opposite sex, it tells you that he or she is jealous but when he or she complains bitterly about it, you should know that he or she is being over possessive and that is not a good sign of a healthy courtship.

6. Laziness/Stubbornness:
When you are in a relationship and your partner fails to do whatever needs to be done or you always have to prompt him or her before he or she does something in a relationship that partner is lazy. If he or she always fails to adhere to simple instructions or guidance and always want to do what pleases him or her that partner is stubborn. Courtship like this won’t help the marriage.

7. Lack of Commitment:
A relationship in which one partner fails to show any sign that he or she cherishes the relationship and want to take it to a higher level, shows that the person is not committed. If your conversations is not channeled to making the relationship better and building a solid foundation for the marriage but it usually falls on pleasure, it means there is no commitment on the side of one partner and the Courtship becomes unhealthy.

Unhealthy Courtship as mentioned earlier is recommended for Counselling to see if things can be worked out or the relationship is better dissolved. This is because, even with a healthy courtship that ends in marriage, has its own issues, how much more unhealthy courtship?

By: Counsellor Benjamin Effah Werehene

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