O: Open conversations
This is the time when you need to share with the person who hurt you, how they hurt you.
You need to express yourself using “I feel” statements.
Expressing yourself with statements that begin with “I feel” approaches them with your personal emotions rather attacking them with what they have done.
If the other person feels attacked, then there is likely not going to be productive healing happening in the conversation.
Take the time to process what you are feeling and decide your words, phases, and thoughts to express before you even enter into the conversation.
Know what you are going to say before you say it. Make sure that what you are going to say is not going to alienate the person and end the conversation.
If you goal is restoration of the relationship, then use a calm tone of voice and the “I feel” statements to convey your emotions and how you were hurt by their actions that violated your trust.
For example, if you are dealing with a friend who threw a party and you were not invited you can begin by saying “I saw the photos of your party on social media and I feel hurt that I wasn’t invited”. You can then follow it up with something that can open the conversation to a deeper level by asking “Is there something that I did that hurt you or our relationship and that was perhaps why I wasn’t invited?”
Allow the other person to respond. If they care about you and your friendship they will want to explain and apologize if necessary. It could be a simple explanation such as the party was only friends from her college years.
You never know the answer unless you ask, but ask with kindness, grace, and understanding so that you can have a better relationship moving forward.
A word to the wise: do not begin the blame game.
If you start blaming them rather than using “I feel statements” then they are going to get on the defensive. The conversation will not likely be productive in producing a positive result if you start with “you did this” or “you said that.”
Avoid the temptation to fall into blaming and pointing fingers as this is not helpful in the overall process of healing the trust in the relationship.
Write down the specific “I feel” statements before you go to the person in conversation.
Again, do not approach the person with a group. Rather, the conversation is to be one on one. If you take multiple people or even one other person, they will feel that you are ganged up on them.
Ask for a private conversation and use your “I feel” statements to get the conversation going on the right foot.
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